Up The Car, Up The Buyer (and vice-versa)

Note: this post is dedicated to my wife who lived virtue after virtue long before she knew me. I love you Ranae.

In the last 10 years, I’ve heard a lot of friends, family, co-workers and even strangers state and complain how there are not enough interesting people to start a relationship with. While there are plenty of people that anyone can start a relationship with, they are looking for someone better. Most Christian men are looking for a Proverbs 31 woman who is beautiful (even hot) inside and out. Most women are looking for someone who looks/acts like a (Biblical) David and walks with God like a Paul. Yet they have not found anyone who matches this desire. My answer?

To men: “Up the buyer, up the car.”

To women: “Up the car, up the buyer.”

After I make that comment, I am either given a look that implies confusion or a look that implies anger (that I would use a car anaolgy to parallel any type of relationship). So after they settle down, I ask this question:

Me: “Do you ever seen a poor college student (who comes from no money and has no money) shopping for a car in the BMW dealership?”

Them: “Ummm, no.”

Me: “Do you ever see a multi-millionaire shopping in a run-down used car lot?”

Them: “No.”

Me: “There you go. People choose things based on who they are. Up the car, up the buyer (and vice versa).”

Them: “Are you saying that the reason I can’t find someone of better qualities and character is because I’m not of that better quality and character?”

Me: “That’s right. Take time to improve yourself, refine your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Work harder developing better character.”

Them: ” {silence} “

It’s usually this point that they begin to look at themselves through other people’s eyes (particularly the other gender’s). They realize that they may be the reason they haven’t found anyone yet.

There are many amazing Godly, loving, funny and mature men and women who are ready and suitable for marriage. The truth is that many who complain at the “slim pickings” of potenial mates are themselves not potential mates for the types of people they want. (insert ouch here) It’s important to realize that although you may be looking for someone with certain attributes, they are too and they won’t be found by anyone who doesn’t have them.

Culture calls this as someone being “out of your league”, like it has something to do with your type of class. It’s not about class, it’s about character.

Some may argue that you’ll marry whoever God wants you to marry. I agree with this, but I also realize that God will not contradict His Word. He will not pair two together who are “unequally yoked”. He will give you someone who is on the same path around the same place as you are. I’m not saying that they will have the same faults and struggles as you, but people of like mind and heart are drawn together. They may be altogether different people in their desires and likes, but down on the heart level they are the same.

At the same time I warn people who are dating non-believers or immature believers that a wrong decision or mistake during their relationship could make them yoked together for life. I stress the importance of not lowering their standards just because someone is cute or because they are lonely. The Bible teaches us that we are to be an example to the lost people around us, the light of God in dark places.

What I do advise people to do is to change their character, which is something very Biblical. Here are a few pointers on exactly what to start doing.

TIPS FOR MEN:

  • Stop flirting with every girl!
  • Open the doors (for buildings and cars) for all women.
  • Practice good heathly habits (aka don’t smoke, don’t do drugs and stay out of bars).
  • Start practicing good financial habits and live by a budget.
  • Get a daily devotional life.
  • Kill all forms of lust in your life!!!
  • Model purity in word and deed.
  • Serve the church (and it’s individuals) as much as possible.
  • Show yourself faithful at your job and church.
  • Remove addiction to video games from your life (a little here or there is fine, but all-night week-long crusades on World of Warcraft probably aren’t).
  • Keep up good hygiene.
  • Start teaching what you are learning about improving your character.

TIPS FOR WOMEN:

  • Stop flirting with every guy!
  • Model purity in word and deed.
  • Stop gossiping, complaining and being argumentative.
  • Battle fear/worry and cultivate a gentle quiet spirit.
  • Learn to love and be patient.
  • Dress modesty (meaning don’t dress to flirt and seduce)
  • Honor, obey and respect your parents. It shows men what you’ll do when you get married.
  • Start practicing good financial habits and live by a budget.
  • Get a daily devotional life.
  • Practice good heathly habits (aka don’t smoke, don’t do drugs and stay out of bars)
  • Serve the church (and it’s individuals) as much as possible.
  • Show yourself faithful at your job and church.

I have done these in my personal life and I can tell you that they are all important and they all help to improve your character. You will also notice that very few of these things concern someone’s physical image. They are about character and habits, not outward beauty and class.

Woe if the best thing about you is your good looks.

The Bible states in Proverbs 31:

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 ESV)

I think that verse can also apply to men. Let’s all start focusing on character and the matter of the heart and less on looks and charming personalities. Let’s devote ourselves to learning to fear and honor the Lord. If you do that, the spouse that the Lord will give you will make you speechless with wonder.

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