Depression, O How I Know You. O How I Hate You.


It has been a hot topic in the community that I work, serve, and live in.

I suffer from situational depression.
Excuse me while I give a raw look at my self and maybe someone out there knows the feeling…

I was 14 when I made friends with an older woman.  She saw something in me. She gave of her time and would go walking with me almost every Saturday. Through the years, we became busy and the walks became infrequent and when I was around 18 I started therapy.

When I was in my early 20’s we started something new in therapy called EMDR. The best way my counselor described EMDR is like this:

EMDR is like looking at a train station. In the station, people get on and off the train and the the train continues on. When we have trauma in our lives it’s like the people or thoughts can’t “get off the train.” We are stuck at how we looked at things like we did at the time when the trauma happened. With EMDR it allows you to reprocess the thoughts, and allow those thoughts to get off the train and allow new ones on. You can then process them as an adult, and not as the child when the trauma happened to you. (I was a child when my trauma happened.)

I learned to think & talk to myself about truth. My therapist and I prayed before every session and if we started and forgot to pray, quickly one of us would realize it and would begin to pray. She often asked me if I was sure I was ready to face the past. I always said yes, with a lump in my throat.

Someone told me “You’re stronger than you think you are.” She was right. I have forgotten that girl that had to look into the depths of her past. I’m blessed that I only remember images and not who it was. I know that sounds weird. My therapist didn’t tell me until I was 25 (11 years of therapy basically) that I had responded to men the same way children who are molested respond.  I was terrified of men. I never thought I would marry. I could not be alone with a man. It still to this day causes me to be awkward with men sometimes. But I had such healing by the time I was 25 that I have gotten married and have children and am completely in love with my sweet-heart, my gift of a husband God gave me.

I need to backtrack though, back to 18 when I had just graduated college. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know that I was shutting down. I had no plan. I only knew I wanted to be involved in theatre. I live in a small town and there weren’t a lot of opportunities. It wasn’t until one of my friends (from when I was 14) and I began to talk that she pointed out I had all the symptoms of depression.

Now my temperament is melancholy. I come from a long line of meloncholies. But it didn’t help that I was molested at 4 years of age. My oldest daughter is turning 4 at the end of this year and I keep praying, “Jesus, please don’t let her experience the things I faced.”

For a long time I was scared of the “man in the dark.” I remember going on vacation and I would be in my cousin’s bed or at my grandmothers and I would think, “He can’t get me. When he finds the trail, I will be gone.” I remember being 9 years old and still saying those words while laying wide awake in my cousin’s bed. It was during the years of 18 to 25 that I discovered these facts.

I also discovered the sorrow of losing a close friend. October 2008. I can tell you where I was standing when I got the news. I can tell you about the phone call I made and begging to the voicemail that the news wasn’t true and pleading with my friend to call me. I can tell you I spent 3 days in bed. I can also tell you how I gasped with disbelief when I saw her casket or how I let out a very loud audible gasp and the entire congregation looked at me. I can tell you of the countless tears I shed. Around this same time I also learned I didn’t have a high view of myself and that my heart had been torn to shreds by lies and loss.  There was a demon (so to speak) encased around my heart with his nails digging in deep. I remember the two-edged sword coming between this thing and my heart. Then Jesus used his sword to rip the demon off. He told me, “In time, this too shall heal.” He was right. I have had healing in that part of my life. Even now I think of my friend. Sometimes, at random moments, I think I see her or I’ll hear someone laugh like her. It’s the same with my mother-in-law who passed away December 2013 from cancer. I had gotten incredibly close to her.  I think these are gifts (the laughs, the glimpses,mother memories) that Jesus uses to heal us and make us remember the good times.

I tell this whole story because yes, I have experienced healing in my life, but for me depression is the thorn in my flesh. I have to continually fight thoughts of people hating me, of hating myself, combatting things said in innocence when I was a child but effected me in dramatically crazy ways, putting unrealistic expectations on myself, etc.

As a mom now I deal with so much comparison, so much anger, so much INSECURITY. God’s word is my two-edged sword. Sometimes I allow God’s Word to heal those dark places and sometimes I fight against it and allow the darkness to envelop me. It’s a daily battle. I’m a tired mother of three little ones. My husband is in chronic pain almost every moment of his life and fighting depression as well. My mother-in-law who I became very close to two died December 2013. We have family issues with relatives. We serve at church. We have a lot going on!

I am not always able to get into the Word of God like I want. I feel convicted all the time. I try to remember this is only a season. Half the time I just cry out, “Jesus help!” because that’s the only thing I know to do. Everything we touch seems to turn to ash. It is really depressing when I start looking at where I’m at. There are so many issues and it seems my sins are ever before me. I know Jesus died for me. I believe in my head every word of scripture, but it’s getting it lodged in my heart. If I could for a moment just understand the true depth of my sin for and what I was saved from, I could see the realness of eternity.

To my sisters and brothers who are ever fighting as I am, you are not alone. Please remember to have someone you trust who you can share your heart with. We are called to lift one another up. I fight the most when I’m alone. We do not have a second vehicle right now and so the kids and I are stuck at home almost every day except Sunday. Sometimes I’m able to get out for an hour or two but it’s not often. We can not transport our entire family of five. I relish the times when friends say,”Hey, can  I come over?” I grab on to that and I am probably more excited than I should be and say ,”Yes! please come!” I have found out that in serving and sharing life with others, it gets me out of my own problems. Sometimes I talk about my problems but I always appreciate when a gentle friend kindly leads me back to reality and what I have to be thankful for.

When I was pregnant with Anastasia, I had to start taking anti-depressants. I am chemically imbalanced and the anti-depressants allow me to get my head back in the game. It allows me to absorb the hormones I need instead of the depression absorbing the hormones into my body before I can use it. The medicine helps me fight against the depression. I have tried to get off of them but currently I cannot. That’s just where I am for now. I don’t think that they fix any problems but they take the edge off the drowning. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you look around and you can not get one thought straight. You can not even figure out how to clean. There are times when you can’t breathe because it’s almost like you are continually drowning. You are so exhausted that it’s hard to keep your eyes open.

I believe one day I will get this under control with the help of Jesus. Within the last couple of months I have started EMDR again and uncovering other things. I believe therapy is healing and it’s allowing me to get my thoughts straight. To see things like an adult instead of the trauma I faced. I highly recommend finding a good Christian therapist who is Bible-based. Until that day I believe that Jesus gave me the medicine to fight the good fight and the anti-depressants don’t make me any less of a Christian. Sometimes I think as Christians we feel like meds are the devil and we should be able to fight it with just Jesus. Yes, I believe that He is the one that heals but some of us need the help hormonally. We live in a fallen world. There are illnesses and there are problems we will face. Jesus never promised us prosperity or a flower garden (even if he did promise that, roses come with thorns). He promised pain and suffering just as He faced. My pain and suffering are nothing compared to the Son of God. If I could grasp that what a difference that would make.

Fellow sufferer, know that there can still be peace and love at the end of the road. That there are people who care. One such ministry is called Violent Hope. They also have a podcast up. I have thought of suicide before in my darkest moments. Just know that there is someone who wants to talk to you. Also, feel free to reach out to me. I know I didn’t cover a lot. There is so much to tell. I want you understand that it doesn’t make you less of person to call out for help. Please know reader that people do care. There is someone depending on you even though you don’t think so. You do matter. #alllivesmatter

Jesus is our greatest hope. He promised to never leave us or forsake us.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)


Recently, I was a guest on the Violent Hope podcast and I talked more about this subject. You can listen to the episode here.


Fear is the thing I’ve fought my entire life. In fact, I still continue to fight it. As a child, it was about being afraid of “the shadow man” but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve struggled with all the worries and fears that can come with being an adult. I remember the day in my early twenties when I realized that there was a problem with that: FEAR IS SIN. By being afraid I am saying that I don’t trust Jesus and the plans He has for me. Over and over and over again Jesus commands us to not be afraid. Why then do I struggle with this? What are different ways to combat it? How does it affect others around me? These are a few things I’d like to hit in this post.

These past few years have been very difficult and very good. I’m learning more than I could have without these certain experiences. In a bible study that I attended in my early twenties, I had an amazing leader who helped me discover a way to combat fear. She encouraged me to look up all the scriptures on fear and see what God had to say about it. She spent a couple of Tuesdays going over the verses with me. In reality, fear is pride. We are saying that we can do something better than God. We think we can handle the issues better than God can. We are also saying that what Christ did on the cross is not enough. That His death and resurrection didn’t make us children of God and that we can not trust Him. I struggle with fear because it’s me saying that I want to be God. It goes back to the Garden of Eden when Eve was given a choice in Genesis. Does she listen to God or does she go after what she wants: to become like God. I can never say that I would have chosen the fruit over a relationship with Almighty God because I too want to be my own god.

What are the different ways to combat it?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7 ESV)

  1. Meditate on the Word of God.
  2. Prayer and Petition
  3. Thanksgiving

The result?  “The peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

Also, Remember to dwell on the promises of God.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
(2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)

So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6 ESV)

My favorite passage and also why my firstborn’s name is Lily Elise (Lily for Matthew 6 and Elise for the covenant of God):

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)

The other thing I do is surround myself with positive music. I also sometimes will talk with someone older who is immersed in the word of God. They have seen more and they are more experienced and I know they pray before they speak.

How does this affect others around me. I start seeing things from my point of view and miss out on opportunities to trust God and show His strength in my testimony because I’m too busy focusing on my own anxiety and not enough on who God is and what He is doing in my life. I’m so busy trying to fix my messes that I create more of a mess and end up with tons of shame. What am I showing my kids when I’m freaking out and not acting like a mom who is filled with the peace of God? I don’t want to raise them in a house full of fear. I want to be an example for my children so they will know that what I teach them about Jesus is true. I want them to see that I trust Jesus and I am willing to follow Him wherever. I want them to know that I’m willing to be still and know He is God instead of freaking out and causing problems for them and their daddy.

My husband is amazing. At the times I’m crazy, He reminds me to look at the cross and the empty tomb. It seems that whenever one of us are battling this, the other is given the grace to lift up and encourage the other. We have a saying in our house taught by our amazing children’s pastor when my husband was a child and it goes, “I trust Jesus, yes, I do. I trust Jesus how ’bout you?” And we will make the other repeat it until they shout it from the top of their voice and they say it with conviction.

Sometimes, I remember this and others it’s a far cry from what I should be doing. The last time I looked at this was January 21, 2014…lol…here I am almost a year and a half later and I completely forgot about this post. I need it more today then I needed it then. I’ll be finishing a depression blog post soon to go along with this. So stay tuned! Praise the Lord, He redeems our souls.

My Three Totoros


These are my three gifts from God.

These are the three that Jesus are using to break off my hard edges.

These are the three that bring so much joy and pain to my life.

I spend a lot of my time crying. (Great start to a post…don’t worry it gets better) I wonder half the time what in heaven’s name God was thinking to give me three kids so close together. I overheard someone at church tell a mom that one of my friends was smart for spacing her children. I thought well I don’t really feel like I had a choice in the matter. Seriously, both my second and third child were not planned and are a result of one night not being careful. We were not going after having more babies. Not that we don’t want more children but I could really use a break. When Micah was born we had three under 3.

My kids are crazy! For real! I think I spend half my day just trying to keep them from hurting themselves. I have three reasons we celebrate birthdays :

  1. They outlived themselves another year
  2. They outlived us another year
  3. We outlived them another year.

One example of their creative intelligence that we went “oh dear Lord help”: I had gone to the OB for a checkup and Lily figured out that if she brought a chair from the kitchen to the living room she could stand on it and open the door. My husband had to run outside and save Anastasia who was playing in the middle of the driveway. (Thank God she didn’t go any further!) He was like “I wasn’t mad, just scared.” I’m like “I have those moments almost all the time during the day. If they don’t follow me to the bathroom or another room when I leave to put something away or use the restroom. I will pray that I find my kids alive when I get back in there.”

I continuously ask moms at our church what they did with their kids at this age and I found that one thing is common: no one can remember! We have done a lot more tv than I would like to admit. I’m trying to get on a schedule and figure out things we can do. The problem with this age is every activity lasts about 5 mins before they want to dash to the next thing. I feel like I do not have the brain power to do it. They color on the walls, pee on the floor, try to “help”, and other things that I start freaking out about and get angry and yell. Knowing I have to find time to clean up another mess and not knowing when I will get to it. Jesus, keeps reminding me I can not do it on my own.  One truth I am coming to know so well :

Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:6-10)

“For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I fight with the fact my house is not clean. Matter of fact, I just remembered I have food on the table I have to clean off at 1am. I have come to the point that if I can get just one thing done a day I’m doing well. Sometimes I have the ability to get an entire room cleaned up and others I’m lucky to get my one thing done.

The reason I write this is because I want other moms who are in the same boat to know:

  1. You are not alone.
  2. It’s ok to cry.
  3. Call out to Jesus. It’s ok for the kids to see it. They need to know you are human too.
  4. You will screw up and that’s ok. Be humble and admit your mistakes to your kids.
  5. Remember you are being molded in the tantrums of your children.
  6. One day they won’t be on your lap and you will no longer have them this small.
  7. This is only a season.

Read if you can find 5 or 10 minutes. Two books I love and the second one I will mention I am still reading but so far in love with it are. Mom Enough edited Tony & Karalee Reinke and the second is Give them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick. These two books are helping me figure out this mom thing. As two kids are screaming, my phone is ringing and my oldest just spilled her potty all over the living room, there can still be calm.

I’ve found that if I can start letting the mess go and focus on my children, I do so much better. It’s not enough to be in the same room with them. It’s taking the time to sit with them and play, read, dance or whatever. Find other mom’s who will encourage you. The women in my church have been so supportive in giving me ideas, praying with me, and just loving on my babies. It really does take a village to raise your children. Just make sure you are in the right village.

Rethink: The Power of Words

In this series, we will take a closer look at sayings and doctrines that are common place in streams of the church and talk about the truth and error of these sayings and doctrines.

The issue.

I’ve noticed a troubling trend among some charismatic Christians. There has been more and more talk about the power of our words and how they affect our situations. Usually it occurs in sermons where the people are encouraged to speak positive words into the air about their lives and situations. They are also told that much of what ails them (whether physically, financially, emotionally, etc) is coming from the negative words that they are speaking over their lives. The preacher will say “The reason you are sick is because you keep claiming you are sick instead of saying that you’re healed” or “Wake up and speak to the airways that you are blessed and all your bills will be paid.”

Why does this matter?

The verse used most often when people talk about the power of words is:

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (Proverbs 18:21 ESV)

Many have taken this scripture and used it exclusively to make a theology that states our circumstances are created by what our mouth speaks. The problem is that the Bible never mentions this. The closest we get to the power of words again is in the book of  James.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. (James 3:1-12 ESV)

James talks about our words as righteousness or sin, not life-altering positive or negative powers.

Now the Bible does mention people speaking to themselves and stirring themselves up to hope and believe. David is a great example of this.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. (Psalm 42:5-6 ESV)

Did you catch what David did though? Yes he talked to himself, but He used memories of what God had done to change his mood.

Still, changing moods (going from anxiousness to hope, or sorrow to joy) is one thing. Believing your words can change your physical circumstances or can bring in extra finances is another. In fact, it’s unbiblical.

I stumbled on this tweet the other day and thought it summed up this point well. Nowhere in scripture is a person reprimanded for a sickness simply for “not speaking healing over their life”. What most people forget about healing is that we don’t heal anyone. God does and He needs nothing to do it. While faith is usually present where there is healing, it is still something that God does according to His sovereign will. Our words have little if nothing to do with it.

My biggest problem with the power of words thinking is that it is rooted is a few horrible things. First, it is rooted in Word of Faith theology that claims that we have whatever we ask and so if something is not what we like, we have the power to change it. This is prosperity gospel at its core and goes against the sovereign nature of God, the depravity of man, and God’s way of bringing maturity through suffering.

UnknownPower of words thinking also has deep roots into the same philosophy as the book “The Secret.” Here is a quote from this book:

“As you think, those thoughts are sent out into the universe and they magnetically attract all like things that are on the same frequency. Everything sent out returns to the source. And that source is you.”

Christianity Today has a great review of it.

This book and its thinking as been held high by people like Oprah and sadly the same kind of thinking has kept into many Christian’s theology.

Now I believe in faith. I believe in healing and I also believe in reminding ourselves that God is faithful to provide and that He wants to heal (and purchased our healing). I also admit that,particularly with emotional states, there is scientific data regarding the placebo effect, that what we believe can help us feel better, especially for issues and pains that are mainly mental. Most of what I’m speaking against though falls under “hyper-faith”, the belief that anything we see as negative is not God’s will and therefore can be changed if we have enough faith and do the right things (ex. if we pray enough, give enough, serve enough, obey enough, etc).

But remember what Jesus said:

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5 ESV)

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? (Matthew 6:25-27 ESV)

Little branches, I encourage all of us when I say: stop being anxious. Stop worrying whether your bills will get paid because you didn’t speak enough positive words over your life. Stop feeling the shame about your child because you did declare “you’re an overcomer” over their life everyday. Our anxiousness, worry, and negative words can only produce one thing: sin. Quit reading books that focus on the power of what we can do for ourselves through our words. Let us stop all the self-talk and using the power of suggestion on ourselves and start looking to our Father who knows what we need and is good to give them as they line up with His will.

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. (Proverbs 10:19 ESV)

Old Dogs and New Tricks

“Old dogs can’t learn new tricks.”

I’ve heard that phrase my whole life. Why do we associate this with people? Why do we use this term so we don’t have to change?

We as human beings hate change. But instead of resisting change shouldn’t we be heading towards change, constantly trying to get better and make better choices? I’ve had several older people tell me, “This is just the way I am. I can’t change” or “She’s not going to change and you aren’t going to change.”

Forgive me but I think that’s a bunch of nonsense. Becoming unteachable and unchangeable means nothing more than we have become “old and crusty”. I pray that I don’t become old and crusty but that I will be ever changing and heading towards my Jesus.

Now Jesus is a gentleman and doesn’t make me change all at once because that would be an overwhelming suicide mission. But He gives me little bit by little bit to work on. I will continue to work until the day I walk into His arms and wake in death to the after life with Him.

2 Corinthians 3:17-18

 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.


A lunch with friends or family at Cracker Barrel.

A quiet afternoon floating in the pool.

Back to back (to back to back to back, etc) episodes of NCIS.

As Maria sung in The Sound of Music,
“These [were] just few of [your] favorite things.”

A 64oz cup of Coke (or later, Sprite) filled to the brim with ice.

A Florida Gators or a Miami Dolphins football game.

Getting your nails painted and your hair colored.

These were just few of your favorite things.

The family trip to Lake Tahoe.

Seeing the birth of both of your granddaughters.

Watching all your kids graduate high school.

These were just few of your favorite things.

Every time your tumor markers went down.

When you heard one of your kids (or your husband) come home.

When we sung of His faithfulness at church.

These were just few of your favorite things.

No longer held in a body wrecked by horrible pain.

Being able to run, breathe, jump, shout, and dance.

Seeing clearly with no need of contacts or glasses.

These are just few of your favorite things.

Seeing your dad, brother, and sister again.

Meeting the child, the one before me, who died in your womb for the first time.

Receiving the crown that was laid up for you for a race well ran.

These are just few of your favorite things.

Seeing the worship in the throne room with your eyes, no longer just a vision.

Casting your crown at His feet and worshiping with the multitudes.

Being overwhelmed with light and love all while being in His presence.

These are just few of your favorite things.

But after all of these things…

One thing overshadows them all….

Seeing Jesus, the One you loved for decades, face-to-face.

This is your favorite thing.

And when the dog bites and when the bees sting

When life gets hard, and the times seem cruel

When I’m feeling sad

Or mad

Or doubtful

Or weary

I simply remember your favorite things

And your favorite thing

And then I don’t feel so bad

Because I’ll be there, with you, one day too.

Until then mom, Happy Mother’s Day.

How To Help A Family Who Lost Someone

This past December, my mom died. I had the honor of doing her eulogy. The weeks and months that have followed since then have been a mix of heartbrokenness and yet of sameness. The lost of my mother still pains me and I remember her often, but I have not been left immobilized by it. While life is certainly different, our routines continue and life moves us on.

During this season, my friends and church family have been amazing supports. They have served and encouraged us more than I could of ever dreamed. They have cried with us and also have caused us to laugh. I could not think of better people (or pastors) than the ones at First Assembly DeLand.

As I was meditating on how blessed I have been to have such a strong church around me, I realized that there isn’t a guide or any helpful hints for people to help a family/friend through the loss of a loved one. I have read plenty of articles solacing the griever, but none about how others can help (and not hurt or frustrate) the grieving party. I thought that I would write this for people who will need it in the future. I am glad to say that for the most part (99%), my church was spectacular and nothing in this post is directed at them. It is written to help people understand how to best comfort friends and church family who are grieving due to a death.

Note: I am a ministry leader in my church, so much of what I write will have that in mind. Some of the things I will address are not so much personal help, but ministry help.

Paint a bigger picture of heaven.

In scripture we are told that our hope in this life is our home/life in the next. The apostles continually focus the Christian’s gaze to the glories that await us after this life. The problem lies when our view of the afterlife gets dumbed down to a heavenly playground where our loved ones are just chatting waiting for us. That doesn’t produce hope. That doesn’t satisfy our hearts that our loved ones are better than we can imagine. Neither do unbiblical, error-filled comments about loved ones turning into angels. Let me state this clearly: no human has become an angel after death. None. Not one. Though the comments may be mentioned as a sincere sort of comfort, they truly offer none.

Instead of focusing on the angels, or mansions, or gold in heaven, focus on Jesus. Focus on that their loved one is now completely satisfied worshiping their heart’s Desire. Focus on that their earthly struggle is over and that they are now pain-free, sin-free, depression-free, never more to hurt and never more to die. Talk about the joy they must be experiencing because of the beauty and goodness of God. That’s how the Bible talks about heaven, and that’s how it gives us hope.

Keep your grieving in check.

When my mom passed, there were one or two people who made a scene at her funeral. In truth, these people barely knew my mom. My thoughts about them were “I’m not grieving that bad, and she’s my mother.”

I understand that people all grieve differently and they are entitled to that. However, do it “in secret” (Matthew 6) and not in front of the family. Do you best to hold it together when you are with them. If the family is comforting you instead of you comforting them, then maybe there is an issue there.

Note: I understand that there are some cases where the family is estranged from the deceased and there are friends that were truly closer to the deceased than the family. I still repeat, keep your grieving in check. You may have lost a friend, but they have lost a blood member of their family and even if they are estranged, death has a way of bringing clarity to past issues.

Put a pause on your personal issues.

Much like the last point, the best way to comfort and help a family that is grieving is to not draw attention to you. Blessings and cursings can’t come from the same mouth. You can’t tell the family all about the positive and life-changing impact the deceased has had on your life and then the next day go all Jerry Springer on Facebook. That doesn’t encourage the family. If you are going to come forth as a testimony to their legacy, then make sure that you don’t act out during that time. Keep your issues in check. I understand that we all sin, but we can help and honor the grieving family by making right choices that show the positive impact that the deceased loved one has had on our life.

Also on a ministry side, be discerning. I understand that there can be “dark nights of the soul” and times of severe struggle in a Christian’s life as the Lord is refining them by separating the dross from the gold by using intense trials. I also understand that those times can’t be planned. However, I know that there is grace in those times to not be burdensome to another who is grieving. I know, personally, as a leader that the last thing I want to deal with is strife or bitterness in my ministry team while I’m grieving. In the midst of our personal issues and sin, press to get along and apply grace to overcome them instead of being a burden.

Do your job.

This one is almost solely a ministry-focused point. I have people often say that good leadership is when things don’t require you to be around in order to keep going. I agree with this. However, due to choice and our personal issues, the flow of ministry can start breaking down if people aren’t doing their job.

I had many people, particularly in our worship team, ask me if there was anything they could do to help out me and my family during our grieving. My mom’s death fell two weeks before Christmas and 10 days before our department’s Christmas production. What I wanted to tell everyone was that the best way you can help me, as a leader, is to simply do your job. Show up at practice. Be prepared. Have a good attitude. Be in unity with everyone else on the team. These things may not seem like much, but they kept me from dealing with issues and problems and instead allowed to process my mom’s death (and continue writing her eulogy).

Help with the basics.

That said, helping with the basics is a great way to practically help and bring comfort to the family. Offer to wash and fold their laundry. Offer to help clean and organize their house. If they have kids, offer to babysit during the day so that they can help plan the funeral, or offer to babysit a night or two so that they can get out of town to breathe. Many of my co-workers started a PTO donation. This was a big help for my wife and me. Yet, the best practical thing you can do is arrange meals for the family. Our family was a wreck before and after mom passed and not having to spend 1-2 hours each night preparing food was a blessing. We found the site “Take Them A Meal” to be quite helpful. It allows the family to give instructions and give directions without having to focus on organizing it. We were able to view a list and knew who was bringing dinner and what they were bringing. I can’t express how big of a blessing that was.

Don’t ask many questions. Give encouragements instead.

Finally, give encouragements more than you ask questions. Don’t ask a family member whose loved one just died “how are you doing?”. Rather, encourage them. Share funny stories and good memories about the loved one. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Remember with them. Remind the family of the loved one’s legacy, of how much they loved each member of the family, of the impact they made in other’s lives. This will not just help them at that moment, but months and years down the road.